Inktober 11th: Run

The prompt for Inktober 11th is "Run."  October 11th is also National Coming Out Day.  I was inspired by The Wizard of Oz, a source of queer iconography, and also a story about people on a road going towards something rather than away from something; why not have the characters run, like in a friendly race?

I wanted to update the characters' designs a bit.  Unfortunately my artistic ambitions exceed my abilities.  Dorothy and the Lion have torsos which are too long.  I post it on the internet even though I cannot stand to look at it. 

I drew this with a Faber-Castell 9000 4B.  It's really growing on me.

Inktober 10th: Gigantic

I'm feeling better about Inktober today. 

Today's prompt is "Gigantic."  Here I reveal why the pyramids are the shape they are, and why Ra carries a giant grapefruit on his head.

I drew this with a Faber-Castell 9000 4B.

Inktober 9th: Screech

Today's Inktober prompt is "Screech," which is a term for the bald eagle's cry.  Today is also Indigenous Peoples' Day.

The more I drew this, the more angular and stylized it became, like Art Deco propaganda, or Mike Mignola's comics.  I like the look.

I drew this with a Faber-Castell 9000 4B pencil.

Inktober 7th: Shy

I'm playing catch-up with previous days in Inktober.  The prompt for the 7th is "Shy."

I'm sure I have committed a dozen sins against perspective and proportion with this cartoon drawing.  I had difficulty expressing this abstract concept in the form of a single drawing.

My pencil is a DESIGN 3800 in 3B.  Design was once a Venus line of pencils; at some point it was owned by Eberhard-Faber, I purchased one under the Faber-Castell name, and now I suspect the brand is owned by Newell, which has collected all their art pencils under the Prismacolor brand, along with the Turquoise line of drawing pencils.  Sadly, Turquoise has crowded out the beloved Design line.

Inktober 8th: Crooked!

I totally forgot about Inktober!  Unfortunately, I'm not good enough to use ink, and I am a pencil enthusiast, so I'm working in graphite.

The word today is "Crooked."  I have chosen to subvert the intention of this; a shepherd's polearm is known as a crook, and if someone impaled on a spear has been "speared," then surely someone mangled with a crook has been "crooked."  The sheep-stealing wolf could also be described as having crooked ways (hence the bandit mask), and his posture after being mangled could be described as oddly-shaped or "crooked."

Of course I am heavily inspired by the women in my Karate class for the shepherdess' martial pose.

Drawn with a General's Layout on a Pro Art Travel Sketch 70# sketchbook.

Ultropolis Headlines

I found several newspaper clippings from some city I've never heard of called Ultropolis with actual superheroes!  Here are some prominent headlines:

DOCTOR WEDGIE PARALYZES CITY

Mad scientist uses ray to put undies in a bunch

EVIL DOCTOR WEDGIE DEFEATED BY CAPTAIN COMMANDO

Hero somehow unaffected by villain's devices

CAPTAIN COMMANDO TO POLICE: I DON'T NEED DEBRIEFING

Commando refuses to meet with law enforcement

POLICE CHIEF CALLS CAPTAIN COMMANDO "LOOSE CANNON"

Warns Commando may not get needed support

BLISTERING ATTACK BY HOT COFFEE SPILL VILLAIN

First degree burns have city seeing red

CAPTAIN COMMANDO LOSES BATTLE WITH HOT COFFEE SPILL

Hero vulnerable to villain's painful powers

CAPTAIN COMMANDO MOPS FLOOR WITH HOT COFFEE SPILL

Hero adds poncho to utility belt

CRIME QUEEN CHAFING DISH RUBS TOWN WRONG WAY

Femme Fatale creates painful friction

CAPTAIN COMMANDO INCAPACITATED BY CHAFING DISH

Veteran crimefighter nearly loses skin in battle

CHAFING DISH ARRESTED; WORN OUT BY SPEEDY HEROINE "THE STREAK"

Super fast lady runs circles around irritating villain

COMMANDO BLASTS STREAK FOR PUBLIC INDECENCY

Heroine seems to fight crime without clothes

STREAK BEATS PANTS OFF COMMANDO IN FEUD

Streak moves too fast to be seen clearly

STREAK, COMMANDO RECONCILE; STREAK LEAVES TOWN

Police Chief regrets departure but happy to watch her go

Mystery Science Theater Is Back

Back in the late 1980s, I attended college in a Major Midwestern University.  I was hundreds of miles from home, living in the dorms and making new nerd friends.  We watched a lot of Star Trek: The Next Generation together, but they also introduced me to this goofy UHF show where Minnesota comedians would heckle bad old movies.  I loved it!  It was called Mystery Science Theater 3000 (MST3K), and it starred local comic Joel Hodgson.

I graduated from college in the early 1990s, during the George Herbert Walker Bush recession.  Nobody was hiring fresh college graduates with Computer Science degrees.  I worked a Customer Service job and slept on the carpet of my slum apartment with 2 roommates.  In 1991, my local cable TV utility started carrying Mystery Science Theater 3000, and I made the major purchase of a VHS VCR to record it and save the tapes.

MST3K moved from Comedy Central to the Sci-Fi Channel, and I kept watching, until finally the show was cancelled in 1999.

Years passed.  I met and married the most wonderful woman in the world.  I got a car, a house, gray hair, and a Black Belt in Karate.

I had a dream one night, which I still remember today; I dreamed I got up after midnight, turned on the TV, I barely tuned in a snowy local UHF channel, and I discovered Joel Hodgson was making new episodes of MST3K on a ridiculously tiny budget.  I don't remember much of the content of the show, but it was a marvelous dream!  A forgotten treasure, found on the airwaves!

Kickstarting a Dream

Now, amazingly, 18 years later, Mystery Science Theater 3000 is back!  Thanks to a wildly successful Kickstarter campaign, Netflix is now streaming a new season of Mystery Science Theater 3000 with an almost completely new cast and crew.

The premise of the show is the same: an everyman hero is trapped on a space station, forced to watch bad old movies by mad scientists.  He fights back against this cinematic torment by heckling the movie with wisecracks and by pointing out the flaws in the movie's story, premise, and outdated stereotypes.  Our hero is assisted by some smart-aleck robots (played by puppets).

The Good

The fresh young comedians in the theater are very good at delivering their jokes quickly and crisply during lulls in the movie.  For Starcrash [], the hero and his robot pals play and sing an original song during a long sequence wherein a lady silently explores a mostly-empty spaceship, turning this dull snooping scene into an upbeat musical montage.

My one complaint is that the robot voices and characters are hard to distinguish: what motivates Tom Servo?  What pain has Crow suffered in his life?

The Bad

Felicia Day plays Kinga Forrester, a descendent of Pearl Forrester.  Mary Jo Pehl left some big patent-leather jackboots for Felicia Day to fill.  I get the impression that Ms. Day is still growing into the role.  Honestly, however, every scene with Felicia Day is a delicious toasty oven-fresh sugar cookie, and you won't mind waiting for Ms. Day to blossom into a sinister domineering comical supervillain.

Patton Oswalt is an excellent fit for MST3K; Mr. Oswalt is a recovering film addict, and well-acquainted with many flavors of nerd culture.  He plays Max, or "TV's Son of TV's Frank;" and whereas Frank Conniff's "TV's Frank" was a lovably dopey man-child, Oswalt's character is (like Oswalt himself) more analytical and able to stick up for himself.

The mad scientists have a ska-inspired musical band (is it still a live band if they're skeletons?) who provide theme and bump music.  The Har Mar Superstar is their capable bandleader.

Joel Hodgson is back in disguise, playing occasional bit parts.  Big name stars stop by for cameos; this is much more practical now that the new show is produced in Hollywood, rather than a warehouse in Minnesota.

The (Lovably) Ugly

The look of the show is very similar; the sets and props look like they are mostly assembled out of household junk and then spray-painted neutral spaceship colors.  The robot puppets look the same, although they now have multiple puppeteers and new comedian voices.  The doors sequence has been updated with stop-motion animated models to look more like dynamically-expanding rooms on a cramped spaceship which unfold to provide reconfigurable workspaces and living quarters.  The costumes are very similar: the hero wears a bright jumpsuit, the villains wear oppressive dark trenchcoats.

The show has a bigger budget, but they didn't lose the charm of the low-budget effects.  The models and animation are very reminiscent of Robot Chicken [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robot_Chicken].

The mad scientists have invented the ability to store and transmit audio/video streams in liquid and use plumbing to pump liquid video around their moonbase.  No technology is perfect, and often long scenes are punctuated by clouds of bubbles.  Sure, they could go digital, but they didn't invent digital video, and they desperately want to make liquid video a 'thing.'

Conclusion

Check out the new Mystery Science Theater 3000!  Fans of the original show have a lot to like in the new show.  The new cast should make the show very approachable for new viewers.  If you ever wanted to talk back to the nonsense you saw on the screen, you will appreciate the fundamentals of MST3K.  You have nothing to lose but your bad attitude.

Fistpump of the Beelzebub

Have you heard of TV Crimes?  It's a podcast wherein film critic Mikey Neumann and screen actor Wil Wheaton dissect and prosecute ciminally bad old TV shows, mostly from the 1980s.

Their most recent episode tackles The Day My Kid Went Punk, a 1987 ABC Afterschool Special about Terry, a sweet teen neglected by his parents who explores a punk lifestyle and gets persecuted for it by all the adults in his life.  I haven't seen it, but I understand it's hard to watch.

Wil Wheaton has both lived through the 1980s and (as a child actor) seen dear friends get screwed up and even die due to bad home environments; as a result, Mr. Wheaton is passionate about the plight of poor Terry.

In the special, Terry starts a punk band so awesome it sells out the local rock club.  The rock club is unnamed.  Sadly, Terry's band is also unnamed, so Mikey gives it a name: Fistpump of the Beelzebub.  Wil is inspired; he wants to see album covers or posters from this band, and proposes a contest; the best entry wins one of his audiobooks!

Accordingly, I threw together this 72dpi 8.5x11 poster, suitable for printing at the local copy shop and stapling onto the local bulletin boards:

Wil mentioned the "Rainbow Room" and "Jane Gerous" (accidentally a great band name at 79:36); Mikey mentioned "Satan's Underpants."  The background image is a detail of a John Martin illustration for Paradise Lost by Milton.  I wanted this to look like the low-budget rock flyers I used to see in the late 80s and early 90s, crudely photocopied with torn paper strips providing the details.

Azure Catacombs

An ancient culture developed a method to preserve the souls of their wisest and most learned citizens at the moment of death.  These souls would continue in a new existence of pure mind, without the pain of old age nor disease, bound in bodies very much like immobile Lantern Archons without offensive capabilities, appearing as glowing dots of light.  An enchanted structure would protect and preserve them, known as "The Azure Catacombs;" labyrinth-like with glowing blue walls.  Powerful members of society would consult with ancient viziers, and descendants of the deceased would be consoled by their revered ancestors.

The Ghostly Warriors yield no quarter!

For maintenance and security, 4 great warriors were also preserved as Ghostly entities:
"Blinky" Oikake (glows red)
"Pinky" Machibuse (glows pink)
"Inky" Kimagura (glows pale blue)
"Clyde" Otoboke (glows orange)

Eventually the Azure Catacombs were sealed and forgotten, either through disuse borne by social disaffection or in order to protect the catacombs from disaster.  Still, the residents persisted peacefully, discussing philosophy and high-minded topics in between long periods of meditation.

This Eye Creature is a hideous yellow orb with a gaping maw

A fissure has opened in the ceiling of the catacombs.  Tragically, a floating Eye Creature has found its way inside, and it has been preying on the hapless Archon-like residents.  This hideous yellow orb has been relentlessly gobbling the poor glowing dots with its huge maw.  The ghostly warriors have been unable to stop it.

The Eye Creature might yield a quarter.

Scale: 5 feet per square

On the map, you can see the glowing blue walls.  There is an "X" near the center of the bottom half of the map where the player characters enter the catacombs, presumably dropping in through a fissure in the ceiling.  The small yellow dots are the helpless lantern archons.  4 large yellow globes serve as failsafe devices which render the ghostly warriors harmless.  On the center of the right and left side are magic portals which teleport those who enter to the opposite side of the map.  The center rectangle is a crypt for the ghostly warriors.  Attractive foods (mostly fruit) occasionally (5% probability per round) appear for 5 rounds at the "X".

If the players can defeat the floating Eye Creature, the grateful residents will provide the player characters with directions to a cache of level-appropriate treasure, and will of course provide their ancient knowledge and wisdom to a limited number of future visitors as if they were a library of minds.

If your players don't recognize this map nor the nature of its inhabitants, deduct them 10 XP each.

Make Your Own Kitty Hat

Buttons and fake head sold separately.

Do you want to show that you care about women's issues?  Do you want to express dissatisfaction with the current Government?  Do you want to draw admiring glances from people you meet on the street?  Do you like cats?  Do you want to keep your head warm in cold weather?  Are you interested in an easy creative project?  If you answered yes to any of these questions, you should make yourself a pink Kitty Hat.  I'll walk you through making a Kitty Hat out of warm, versatile, colorful, durable, low-maintenance Polar Fleece.

How Much Hat Do You Want?

Each square is 2 inches.

First, decide how tall you want your hat.  12 inches is good for a small and simple rimless cap, but you can give yourself extra coverage and a good "cuff" or hem around your hat (as in the photo above) with 18 inches.  This cuff will also give you an extra layer insulating your head against cold weather.  You can also fold the "cuff" inside (towards the head), where it will not appear to the outside world, but you can get those extra inches of hat if the wind picks up and you need more coverage.

Next, measure the circumference of your head.  Don't pull the measuring tape too tight, or your hat will be too tight.  A "cuff" will also add some squeeze around the head.  Also, you will need to add an extra inch to account for the fabric you'll "lose" in the seam.  For my extra-fat head, I estimated 28 inches (see diagram), and my hat turned out pretty well.

The directions for this design are for a reversible double-layer Kitty Hat with one color on the inside, and another color on the outside.  The reversible color scheme gives your hat more versatility and allows you to make different statements based on which color(s) you show the world.

Acquire Materials

If your fabric store is like mine, you can save money by purchasing fabric in fractions of a yard.  For an 18-inch hat, that's half a yard.  For a 12-inch hat, that's a third of a yard.  Get the appropriate fraction of a yard of fabulous hot pink Polar Fleece, and the same amount of your alternate color.  Don't forget to also get a spool of pink thread.  Fleece tends to hide fine stitching in its fuzziness, so don't worry too much that the thread will clash with the alternate color fleece.  The width of the fleece at my fabric store is 58 inches, so that means you will have enough fleece to make a Kitty Hat for a friend, too.

Stitching

As before, each square is 2 inches.

Polar Fleece typically has one side which is fuzzier than the other; the other side looks somewhat matted, like craft felt.  During construction, we want the fuzzy side on the inside; at the end, we will turn this garment inside out, so the fuzzy side will come to the outside, and the matted side (along with most of the seams) will be hidden inside this double-walled reversible hat.

First, fold your fleece over the short way and stitch the edge to make a sleeve, as in the diagram above.

Next, roll the seam so it's front and center.  Fold it flat so you can draw, pin, and stitch the top with the kitty ears.  I recommend you make each ear 4 inches wide and 2 inches tall.  I know that these ears don't look like they will stick out much, but when you pull this squarish hat top against your round head, the ears will pop out and look very feline.  My first design has taller ears, and they tend to curl inward and like pink demon horns, which is NOT the look I was going for; I really wish I had done my first one with 2 inch tall ears.

Carefully trim the excess fleece away from the top seam with the kitty ears; this will help the kitty ears stand up straight.

Now repeat these steps with the other (alternate color) piece of fabric.

Here, each square is about 3 inches.

Now we put our reversible sides together.  For now, we still want the seams on the outside, but we want the fuzzy sides facing each other, so one side should get turned inside-out and carefully placed inside the other.  Line up the seams with each other as in the diagram, pin the edge, and carefully stitch the bottom together as in the diagram.  Leave a WIDE gap (4 inches is NOT too wide) at the back so that you can turn the whole thing inside-out by pushing the whole garment through the gap.

After you turn the whole thing inside-out, all the excess fabric around the seams should be inside the double-walled garment.  Stitch the gap closed.  Fold up the hem (if you made your hat long enough).

Now Wash & Wear

I recommend you launder your fleece Kitty Hat before you wear it; the fabric manufacturer puts chemicals on the fabric for various reasons.  After washing, it should smell nicer and feel softer.

Pretzel Addendum

After the events I described in my eulogy to Pretzel, my wife couldn't concentrate at work and she came home.  It was a warm day for February, so she took me for a walk.  She felt guilty that she wasn't there with Pretzel, but I reassured her that there wasn't anything she could do; I carted Pretzel around town, but I wasn't with him when he died.  I didn't see Pretzel receive medical treatment; it all happened behind closed doors.  We talked about Pretzel, we talked about everything, and the exercise and fresh air helped me breathe normally without sobbing.  We came home, and I wrote the eulogy.

There was a lot I had to leave out and rearrange in that eulogy.  How do you condense 13 years--even 13 years in only the limited life of a cat--into a brief essay?  Although I maintain that the eulogy tells the truth, some facts had to bend in order to make that truth readable.

I must thank all the friends and family who wrote kind words of condolence during my grief.  It was heartwarming to have so many hands offering help and comfort.  Thank you all very much.

As the days passed since we lost Pretzel, my grief lifted by degrees.  The next morning, I thought that surely yesterday was a horrible dream, and that Pretzel must certainly be next to my bed waiting for breakfast; but of course this was a brief delusion.  The next evening, I had "One Less Bell to Answer" stuck in my head as I knocked around my house which seemed strangely emptier.

One day, I noticed a co-worker had a framed photo of an adorable cat on his desk.  I asked him about it, and he informed me his beloved cat passed on a month ago.  I explained my situation, and we related the same sorts of frustrations and agonies we both felt, and that we'd gladly clean up our cats worst messes in order to have them back again.  It was like a 5-minute support group session with only 2 people, but it was tremendously helpful for me.

A few days later, I was able to laugh without bitterness.  A week later, I was able to play video games again.  Life goes on.

For Hansel, recovery is much slower.  He has known Pretzel since the womb, and he is left all alone as my wife and I go to work during the day.  He meows, which Pretzel sort of did FOR him when dinner was due, and Hansel's lonely cries somehow sound more like emotional distress than mere complaint.

For grieving pets, it is recommended that the pet view and investigate the body of the deceased in order to properly understand the nature of their loved ones' departure.  Of course, I had no idea about this, and I foolishly left Pretzel's body in the hands of the Hospital personnel for the closure I hoped a necropsy would bring.

Today I got a call from the University Doctor who treated Pretzel during his final hours.  Pretzel's necropsy was complete, and revealed cancer in his spleen, liver, and intestine; specifically, an aggressive form of lymphoma, likely T cell lymphoma.  I asked if this was the reason Pretzel was losing weight for several years.  Lymphoma can cause weight loss, but untreated lymphoma kills within 6 weeks; the Doctor suspected Pretzel was likely suffering from Inflammatory Bowel Disease, and explained that there is no proven link between cancer and Inflammatory Bowel Disease.

The speed with which this cancer strangled the life out of Pretzel reassured me that if Pretzel suffered in his final hours, he surely must not have suffered for long.

I told Pretzel I loved him many times when I cradled his purring form in my arms, but of course cats have only the dimmest comprehension of the sounds humans make.  I asked my wife if Pretzel knew I loved him, and she informed me that she was sure he knew it.

Any one of us could go at any time, but as humans our capacity for language gives us a tremendous advantage.  Tell your loved ones how much you love them.  Tell your friends you appreciate them.  Thank people for doing things for you.  Try to be polite.  It costs you nothing to do any of this.

Pretzel

In 2003, my fiancee and I are planning our life together.  We want cats.  We agree to get 2 cats, so the cats will be able to keep each other company.

While honeymooning in Germany, I indulge in a soft pretzel every day; they sell them all over.  Fiancee observes that Pretzel would be a good name for a cat.  I imagined a cat curling its flexible body for a nap--curling up so far that it resembles a classic pretzel shape.

Kittens

After our honeymoon, we visit the shelter and my new wife picks out a shy pair of little black furballs from the same litter.  We open up the cage and they are soon chasing each other around the room.  "These ones look energetic," my wife observes.  They also are clearly compatible with each other, and we take them home.  Inspired by our fairy tale honeymoon in Germany, we name them Hansel and Pretzel.

They soon display distinct personality traits.  Hansel grows up to be a lean and fierce scrapper, whereas Pretzel becomes a chubby affectionate teddy bear.

I have been overweight my entire life.  I see Pretzel's fat physique and I identify with him immediately.  That's my boy.  

Pretzel's extra weight held him back.  He couldn't always jump onto the table; he would often get halfway onto the table, and then he'd slide off the edge.  We soon suspected Pretzel wasn't very smart.  But one day Pretzel decided not to wait for us to feed him; he knew which cabinet held the bag of cat food, so he stood on his hind legs, hung his front paws on the top of the cabinet door, and carefully tip-toed backwards, pulling open the cabinet door.

I went to nerd school when I was a kid.  I immediately recognize Pretzel's intellect.  That's my boy.  

Fine Pair of Cats

Collectively, the pair weighed about 30 lbs.  Their weight and their longhair coat mark them as part Maine Coon.  The fact that black cats are less likely to be adopted than other breeds reassures me that we made the right decision to rescue them, in spite of how noticeable their clumps of black fur look on our beige carpet.

You often hear about aloof cats who look down on you or ignore you.  Not Hansel and Pretzel; every day I would come home and my 2 cats would greet me at the door, friendly and eager for attention.  Every night they would keep our feet warm as we slept.

They would keep us safe, as we discovered when mice found a way into our basement.  One morning I woke to discover a dead mouse presented at my bedroom door.  I was so proud of my little boys!  Breakfast for my valiant defenders became first order of the day.

My wife was distressed when she discovered how our cats would cuddle one moment, then claw and bite each other the next.  I had to explain to my wife (an only child) that siblings naturally fight with each other, and that cats don't play checkers or other peaceful games when they play with each other.

They were both lovable, but Hansel had limits; you could pet him for a while, but when he gave a little squeak, you had to back off or he'd bite you.  In contrast, we called Pretzel the Love Sponge; you could pet him for hours and he'd be eager for more.

We would have guests, and Hansel would defend his territory against intruders, whereas Pretzel would cuddle with new friends.  Entertaining was problematic, but Pretzel was never the problem.

Inspiration

My wife works with developmentally disabled adults; these are people with fully grown adult bodies, but who sometimes have the emotional control of children.  They sometimes lash out physically when they are upset or alarmed.

One evening, my wife came home with gouges on her face.  I was pained and upset to see the love of my life injured in such a way, but I was even more devastated to hear my wife beat herself up over the injury.

"I was STUPID," she scowled.

I made some calls and asked my wife to accompany me to a special place that weekend.  "I think they sell pajamas," I hinted.

My wife was surprised when I brought her into a very friendly Karate studio.

My wife signs up so she can defend herself.  I sign up so that my sedentary lifestyle doesn't kill me.

Four years later, and we are 2 tests from earning our Black Belts.  My wife accepts that she will get hit sometimes in Karate and at work.  We would joke about bringing the cats to Karate class, because they are so good at fighting.

I am almost always the oldest person on the Karate mats, I'm slow, heavy, I can't kick very high, and I don't like hitting people.  Pair me with any teenager with lightning reflexes, and I don't do very well.  To this day, I may have won 2 matches.  I distinguish myself by being hard to hit; I have strong arms and I can deflect many punches and kicks.  That High School kid might win the Karate match, but I want to make him WORK for it.

Aging

Every year I take our cats to our favorite Veterinarian for their shots and an examination.  One year the Veterinarian points out Pretzel's weight: one year, he is a pound lighter; the next year, 2 pounds lighter.  Last year, he was down to 11 pounds.  The Veterinarian asked about Pretzel's behavior.

I reported that Pretzel licked his fur too much--so much that the fur got very short in some areas, almost like a "lion cut" that leaves a cat with a "mane" of fur around his neck and shoulders, but with stubble everywhere else.  I always attributed it to Pretzel's allergies and nervous temperament.  Pretzel always meowed a lot, and we would lovingly call him a cry-baby.

Hyperthyroidism would put Pretzel's body into overdrive; he would burn calories faster, but his organs would wear out faster.  This might explain his nervous temperament and crying.

Tests revealed that Pretzel's thyroid was on the high side of normal; he could not be treated for hyperthyroidism.  The Veterinarian was at a loss to diagnose Pretzel's weight loss.  The tests were expensive and time-consuming, and Pretzel still seemed healthy in spite of the missing pounds.  We planned to address this issue again next year.

In subsequent months, Pretzel would continue to lose weight very gradually, but he was still the sweet, friendly boy he always was.  We would need to get answers at his checkup in the next 2 months.

I tried to combat Pretzel's weight loss with more frequent feedings and more varied (hopefully) desirable food.  I bought fresh shrimp and salmon for a special treat, but neither cat was interested in either of these foods.  We bought soft canned cat food, and Pretzel would always race towards the sound of a fork tapping canned food into his food bowl, but we could never be sure how much Pretzel was eating, and how much he was leaving for Hansel to finish.

On Saturday, February 18th, a financial advisor met with us.  Pretzel was as friendly as always with this stranger.  Pretzel approached, stood, and placed a paw on her arm.

'Hello,' he seemed to ask, 'will you be my friend?'

That's my boy.  I picked up Pretzel and cuddled him for most of the meeting.

Final Hours

Late in the evening of Tuesday, February 21st, my wife noticed that Pretzel had stopped eating.  His nose was warm and dry, he had little energy, his fur looked unkempt, and he retreated from attention.  We didn't know what to do.

Sleep came with difficulty for me that night.

I got Pretzel to our favorite Veterinarian as soon as her office opened the next day: Wednesday, February 22nd, just after 8:00 AM.  Pretzel weighed in at 9 lbs.  I had never seen him so weak, but he still had enough energy to meow the whole way over.  I wanted to tell him that everything would be all right, but I couldn't bear to lie to him.  Tears were running down my face.

The Veterinarian arrived at 9:00 and found Pretzel anemic and dehydrated.  She described his condition as "Critical" and mentioned the possibility of bringing Pretzel to the University Veterinary Medical Center in Saint Paul, but she warned that it would be very expensive.  In the meantime, she brought Pretzel to the lab in the basement.  I was left alone with my thoughts.  What would I give to have my boy back?  How much would it be worth?  How long would I regret not making the extra expense?

I arrived at the University Veterinary Medical Center just after 10:00, and Pretzel was whisked to a treatment room while I signed paperwork and handed over my credit card.

I met with the Doctor.  She would administer oxygen and intravenous fluids.

Intravenous fluids seemed to revive Pretzel a little.  The Doctor described several symptoms that didn't add up to anything that made any sense to me other than Pretzel was near death.  She scheduled an ultrasound examination for 2:00 PM and administered a feeding tube.

By 12:30 that afternoon, Pretzel has stopped breathing on his own.  His pulse is very weak.  The Doctor calls me.  She begins CPR, but she warns me that CPR is more injurious for cats than it is for humans; she explains that CPR is a procedure that cats can survive but typically do not recover from entirely, and that Pretzel's life will likely be greatly diminished even if it succeeds in reviving him.  She asks me for permission to discontinue CPR.  She asks for permission to euthanize him.

I'm in pieces.  I want my happy healthy loving boy back.  I thought Pretzel might be able to climb out of this dark pit he slid into, but now I was forced to acknowledge that he would likely never really escape it.

My voice is breaking as I ask the Doctor to make his transition as painless as possible.  I hear the Doctor notify others in the room.  The Doctor directs me to return to the Hospital to visit with Pretzel's body.  My first thought is that there would be no point: my Pretzel wasn't there any more.  But I decide to go.

I call my wife.  I explain that Pretzel would pass away very soon.  My wife sounds very calm; she is my foundation while I am awash in a maelstrom of tears.

The Doctor brings me to a visiting room, and she brings back Pretzel's body wrapped in a yellow towel.  I pull back the top of the towel.  I expect to see Pretzel in a position of gentle repose, as if he were settled in for a final nap.

Sensitive readers may wish to skip the next paragraph.

Instead, I find Pretzel's face contorted in agony: his mouth is wide open with fangs bared; his eyelids are raised, but his eyeballs are twisted in their sockets, pupils unrecognizable.  I don't need to see the rest of his body.

Pretzel's facial expression looks hideous, but I am certain that Pretzel's soul is no longer in his body.

I ask the Doctor for an autopsy; I desperately need closure and I hope a diagnosis will provide this.

I have been in the Guilt Stage of Grief all day.  The Doctor reassures me that whatever Pretzel's ailment, it could not have been obvious to me.

I carry out the cat-carrier.  I am struck by the fact that I brought it in full, but I bring it out empty.  Does everyone I pass in the corridor understand the implication of this?  I have been weeping since 8 AM; but in the car, I bawl like a baby.  I am 48 years old, and I am a wreck over a cat.  I am somehow able to blink away enough of my tears to drive home.

I ponder Pretzel's final facial expression.  This was not the face of someone who slipped away.  This was the face of someone who fought Death to the very end.  This was the face of someone who made Death WORK to defeat him.

That's my boy.

In Loving Memory

Pretzel Weisman-Markwart

2003/5 - 2017/2/22

Fermenting Sauerkraut

In a previous post, I provided a recipe for preparing a sweet and sour sauerkraut dish suitable for a nice meal.  I like sauerkraut, and I have paid lots of money to get sauerkraut at the grocery store.  My wife was concerned that I was spending TOO MUCH money on organic and fresh sauerkraut.  She suggested I buy cheap cabbage, find a recipe, and try to make it at home.

My first thought was that she had a point--organic sauerkraut on the shelf is pricey, and fresh sauerkraut is shockingly pricey--but making sauerkraut must surely be a massive chore.  I already dread the cooking chores I do now, like when I make pizza sauce; it always seems so thankless to do this all alone in the kitchen after a long day.  But I looked online for instructions on how to ferment sauerkraut, and I became excited by the prospect!  Furthermore, the effort required isn't too onerous, and the return is substantial.  I have fermented several batches of sauerkraut now, I have worked out most of the details, and I want to pass along my accumulated knowledge so that you can ferment your own sauerkraut.

Equipment

I don't mind paying for quality, but I'm big on cheap stuff.  You can find specially-formed sauerkraut stoneware crocks with weighting stones to hold the sauerkraut under the brine, but you can get fine results with good equipment costing a lot less.  Some people will recommend 1-quart glass jars, but I have discovered that one cabbage will yield over a gallon of kraut when chopped, and it is a lot easier to manage one large container (as long as you can still lift it) rather than several small ones.  The popularity of homebrewing is your friend here, because I got most of this stuff at my friendly local homebrewing supply store for less than $30:

2 Gallon Plastic Fermenter with a drilled lid ~$10
This is a food-grade 2-gallon plastic bucket with a handle.  The lid is airtight enough for our needs, with a rubber grommet inside the rim.  There is a hole drilled in the top for an airlock; this hole is also fitted with a rubber grommet which grips the airlock nicely.

S-Bubble Airlock $2
This is a one-piece airlock made of transparent plastic with an S-trap.  You pour liquid in the top to the fill line.  Easy to operate, but not so easy to scrub out, should you ever need to do so.

STAR SAN $10
This is a sanitizing cleaner.  It's a syrupy super-concentrated organic acid; you will dilute about a teaspoon of this per 16 ounces of water, and you will not even need 16 ounces of this cleaner to spray out your equipment.  It tends to generate a lot of foamy bubbles, so STAR SAN enthusiasts encourage you: "don't fear the foam" because it breaks down on contact with oxygen, and any residue should be digestible by microbes during fermentation.  Because it's super-concentrated, a small bottle will last you a long time.

Chemical Resistant Spray Sanitizer Bottle - 16oz $4
Spraying is the easiest way I have found to apply STAR SAN.

Vodka for the airlock
You want liquid filling the airlock's S-trap which will not promote yeast growth, but which will not poison nor add funny flavors to your sauerkraut.  I got cheap 100-proof Vodka from my friendly local liquor store.

Plate for the fermenter
Cabbage is slightly buoyant, and you want to hold the sauerkraut under a layer of brine.  You can find special ceramic "stones" and pretty glass discs for this, but I found a cheap ceramic dinner plate works well enough; just find a circular plate that fits in your fermenter and won't float.  I got mine at Target.

You'll also need knives and a cutting board for cutting cabbage, wooden spoons for stirring kraut, a quart measuring cup for dissolving brine.

Groceries

1 head of cabbage (makes over a gallon of kraut)
There are lots of cabbages you can use for this: red, white, savoy, etc.  Red cabbage will turn the liquid a bright magenta color.  I usually use a regular greenish head of white cabbage from the produce aisle.

Salt (NOT IODIZED)
You can use sea salt, or kosher salt, or even special sauerkraut salt which is finely ground so it dissolves quickly.  Whichever salt you use, this salt MUST NOT be iodized.  I have heard that iodine will turn BLACK during the fermentation process, and I suspect that it's not good to eat.  You will use several tablespoons of salt per head of cabbage, so make sure you have plenty on hand.

Water
Some folks recommend special unchlorinated water.  I just use tap water.

Starter Culture
I definitely recommend a starter culture.  Supposedly you can make sauerkraut without a starter culture; I tried this, but fermentation was SO SLOW and my sauerkraut didn't taste very good; my grocer suggested that the cabbages at the store have been rinsed off a lot, and this may have washed away the naturally-occurring germs needed for fermentation.  You can buy special vegan starter cultures, or you can use cheap yogurt starter culture like I use.  Sauerkraut and yogurt are both referred to as "lacto fermented" foods; they use friendly bacteria which eat carbohydrates and produce lactic acid.  Removing carbohydrates takes away food for bad germs (yeasts and molds are very bad germs for vegetables), and lactic acid slowly poisons bad germs.  A good starter culture helps idiot-proof your operation and almost guarantees good results.  Furthermore, a prepared starter culture typically contains several species of bacteria which operate at different levels of acidity and give a more complex taste to your sauerkraut.

Process

Sanitize

Carefully measure 1 teaspoon of STAR SAN into your 16 ounce spray bottle, and top it off with water.  Shake it gently to make sure the syrupy STAR SAN gets mixed properly.

Spray your sanitizer solution all over your fermenter; 16 ounces should be plenty of sanitizer, so feel free to get it soaking wet.  Make sure you get the inside of the airlock, the nooks and crannies of the lid, the plate (or stones), and so forth.  Obviously make sure there are no chunks of anything or hairs or whatnot inside your fermenter parts.

Let your fermenter drain and dry out for at least 2 minutes.  I try to flip everything upside-down at an angle so air can circulate.  You might want to shake out the S-trap on your airlock to drain any major puddles.

Supposedly STAR SAN breaks down in contact with oxygen, so I assume that any solution left in the spray bottle will soon go bad.  Don't save the leftover solution until you make more sauerkraut next month; use it up cleaning your countertop or shower or something.

Cut Cabbage

Wash your cabbage and throw out any parts that look sketchy.  Store-bought sauerkraut is shredded in fine strands, but yours does not need to be so perfect; you can just chop it to half-inch flakes.  In the center of the cabbage is a solid cone-shaped core; don't chop the core, just toss out the core.  Put your chopped cabbage in the fermenter bucket.  Like I said earlier, a good head of cabbage should give you about a gallon of kraut.

Open a packet of starter culture and sprinkle it on your chopped cabbage.

Sprinkle a tablespoon of salt on your cabbage.

Use a wooden spoon to mix up your cabbage.  Make sure the starter culture and salt are spread around your batch of chopped cabbage.  Feel free to get rough with the cabbage.

Place your plate (or stones) on top of your chopped cabbage.  I put it in face up, to minimize any bubble under the plate.

Add brine

Put a tablespoon of salt into your quart measuring cup, top it off with water, stir it so the salt dissolves, and pour it over your chopped cabbage.  Repeat this with quart after quart of brine until there is an inch of brine covering your chopped cabbage.

Seal it

Put the lid on your fermenter.  Make sure the lid is sealed all the way around.

Before you put the airlock on, pour some vodka in the top of the airlock.  The airlock should have a "fill to" line so you know when to stop.  Now insert the airlock in your pre-drilled lid's rubber grommet hole.

Now put your fermenter in a cool, quiet place for about a month.  Your sauerkraut is now fermenting.  The fermentation might get vigorous and generate gas and foam; this could leak out the top of the fermenter and spill stinky sour liquid on the floor.  If this happens, clean it up.  What I'm saying is: put your fermenter on an easily-cleaned floor in your basement, NOT on top of your mom's beautiful piano.

Mark your calendar for a day 4 weeks later (or longer); this is when you should open your fermenter.  Don't open it early to check on it.

Opening day

I have never had a batch of sauerkraut go truly badly, and the starter culture helps out a LOT, but you might find the following bad things:

• You might find that your fermenter has leaked brine.  Clean it up.  If the brine leaked out the top, then your sauerkraut is fine.
• You might find some wilted pieces of cabbage that weren't underwater.  These pieces went bad; throw them out, and you can still eat the rest of your sauerkraut.
• You might find mold on the top.  You should be able to scrape this mold off and still eat your sauerkraut.
• You might find your sauerkraut has turned black or dark brown.  This suggests that your salt is iodized, but it could be that some other germ has taken over fermentation.  I'm sorry, you should throw out your batch and DON'T EAT IT.  

If you have any other problem, I cannot help you; do not write to me because I am not a diagnostic expert on this.  And if you skipped a step or skimped in someway, I really don't want to hear from you.

Future Work

I can't resist tinkering with recipes, and neither should you.  I have added various other vegetables, herbs, and spices to my sauerkraut with positive results, including:

• Onions
• Garlic
• Dill
• Caraway Seeds
• Carrots
• Ginger
• Chopped chili peppers
• Daikon radish

I must warn you DO NOT add fruit nor sugar before fermentation in order to sweeten your sauerkraut.  Sugars feed yeast and yeast is our ENEMY in lactic acid fermentation.  You can sweeten your sauerkraut when you cook it, but NOT when you ferment it.