Ultropolis Headlines

I found several newspaper clippings from some city I've never heard of called Ultropolis with actual superheroes!  Here are some prominent headlines:

DOCTOR WEDGIE PARALYZES CITY

Mad scientist uses ray to put undies in a bunch

EVIL DOCTOR WEDGIE DEFEATED BY CAPTAIN COMMANDO

Hero somehow unaffected by villain's devices

CAPTAIN COMMANDO TO POLICE: I DON'T NEED DEBRIEFING

Commando refuses to meet with law enforcement

POLICE CHIEF CALLS CAPTAIN COMMANDO "LOOSE CANNON"

Warns Commando may not get needed support

BLISTERING ATTACK BY HOT COFFEE SPILL VILLAIN

First degree burns have city seeing red

CAPTAIN COMMANDO LOSES BATTLE WITH HOT COFFEE SPILL

Hero vulnerable to villain's painful powers

CAPTAIN COMMANDO MOPS FLOOR WITH HOT COFFEE SPILL

Hero adds poncho to utility belt

CRIME QUEEN CHAFING DISH RUBS TOWN WRONG WAY

Femme Fatale creates painful friction

CAPTAIN COMMANDO INCAPACITATED BY CHAFING DISH

Veteran crimefighter nearly loses skin in battle

CHAFING DISH ARRESTED; WORN OUT BY SPEEDY HEROINE "THE STREAK"

Super fast lady runs circles around irritating villain

COMMANDO BLASTS STREAK FOR PUBLIC INDECENCY

Heroine seems to fight crime without clothes

STREAK BEATS PANTS OFF COMMANDO IN FEUD

Streak moves too fast to be seen clearly

STREAK, COMMANDO RECONCILE; STREAK LEAVES TOWN

Police Chief regrets departure but happy to watch her go