Dubya: The Comedy

The classic formula for comedy is a story that goes from dark to light.  So a story where a hero is living in miserable poverty, but then he rescues and marries a princess and becomes rich; would be considered a classic comedy (of course, there would be jokes and absurdity along the way).   That's why Dante's epic tour from Hell (dark) to Heaven (light) is referred to as the "Divine Comedy," even though it is not very funny. 

One modern formula for comedy is: Tragedy plus Time equals Comedy.  The challenge is to find that sweet spot when people can finally laugh about the tragedy.  For example, the tragic 1937 Hindenburg disaster is now a safe target for comedy; in contrast, the May 8th death of Maurice Sendak (an author whose work is beloved by millions who are young and young at heart) is significantly less safe.  If you try to crack a Maurice Sendak joke, an experienced comic might hiss: "too soon!" 

Accordingly, it may be time to look at the reign of former President George W. Bush in a comedic light.  I'm not talking about a little comedy sketch about what a horrible job he did as president, I'm talking about a full comedic treatment of his life.  Let me explain my idea:

We have to look at George W. Bush as a hero in the 'Three Stooges' or Adam Sandler mold.  In the Three Stooges worldview, the Stooges are the heroes, and there are numerous obstacles (villains) to their success, whose lives, homes, businesses, etc. would be ruined by the bungling efforts of the Stooges.  We are expected to have sympathy for the Stooges (as 'lovable lunkheads') and antagonism towards the villains (because they can't take a joke, or because they are 'hoity-toity', or because they are just plain rich). 

How would this work in George W. Bush's world?  Let's look at Dubya's life: all his life, he's been surrounded by achievers: nerds, jocks, people who work hard, people who take life seriously, people who are responsible.  All Dubya's life, he's been held to their standard, and he's never been able to measure up.  His father was a responsible WW2 veteran; no doubt Dubya was surrounded by rich people of taste and breeding, and hard-driven captains of industry.  There is never any positive feedback for any of Dubya's efforts to do the right thing, because he fails at everything; accordingly, he drops out of trying to achieve, and he treats life like some kind of amusement park where he never has to stand in line; his family is wealthy and connected enough that he can just wander from one amusement to the next, suffering no consequences nor remorse for any havok he might cause.  The one source of positive reinforcement is his molly-coddling mother, who is otherwise a merciless battleaxe; she teaches him his values of supporting those who are loyal to you, and have no sympathy for anyone else, because they are beneath you. 

The villains in this worldview are people who work hard, people who take life seriously, people who want to save the world, people who are responsible, people who are patriotic. 

Dubya can compete in the following dimensions: he can out-drink and out-snort his competitors; and he can often swindle them--if you expected any sense of human decency from Dubya, SUC-ker!  Gotcha!  Haw haw!

Now we have a decent basis for a screenplay.  We start with Dubya's cold upbringing as I outlined above, where he shocks and offends anyone with any class, he gets rebuked by his old man for being a loser, and he turns to momma Barbara, who ingrains in him her values system. 

From this point on, we transition to various stages of "adulthood," if not emotional maturity.  His whole life becomes a constant drift from one amusement to the next.  Anyone who tries to harsh his buzz, sober him up, or otherwise bring him down with depressing or intellectually challenging matters is an obstacle, a villain. 

We move on to his college days, where he pulls off cruel 'Animal House'-style frat-boy shenanigan after shenanigan on the jocks, the nerds, the creative types, political types, ROTC people, professors, girls looking for marriageable men, librarians, etc.  Imagine a lot of montages here set to "yackety sax." 

We segue to his career as a business man, screwing over everyone he does business with because it's all a big joke, and getting bailed out by his old man and his connections.

At some point, he gets hitched to some ball-and-chain librarian.  BOR-ing!  He skips out every chance he gets.  And cheating on her is FUN!

Dubya hooks up with Rove, who is basically a beleaguered "rock star's manager"-type, and who does all the strategizing of running for Governor of Texas. 

From there, Dubya decides to run for President.  He meets up with Cheney, portrayed as some kind of avuncular character who is able to "manage" Dubya by distracting him with various amusements, and who takes care of the hard work of running for (and, later, being) President. 

When running for president, Gore is just another one of those nerds Dubya has learned to despise his whole life.  Using his usually dirty tricks, Dubya swindles him out of the presidency, taunting with: "SUC-ker!" as Gore is left sputtering. 

Dubya has a love interest in this movie: Condi Rice.  She's another one of those serious hard worker types he's also learned to despise, but Dubya can't have her, and he starts to actually try to do things to impress her.  The actions themselves never succeed, but the fact that he tries slowly softens her heart.

I haven't worked out how that pivotal September 11 moment of paralysis should be dramatized.  Should Dubya be desperately trying to hold in laughter, imagining the pathetic screaming victims of the collapsing twin towers?  Should he lapse into a daydream of Godzilla plowing through the buildings?  Or should he have an 'Oh Shit' moment wherein he remember his friends the Bin Ladens, and worry that they might get in trouble with the FBI?

Hey, Senate Democrats who believed Dubya's phony Iraq WMD intelligence: gotcha!  SUC-kers!

All those troops in Iraq?  Gotcha!  You weren't clever, rich, and connected enough to avoid a war like Dubya was!  Haw haw!

All those covert CIA operatives?  Gotcha!  Take that, you smarty-pants spy guys!

Hey, you drowning New Orleans losers: ya shoulda moved to Texas!  No floods there!  Haw haw!

Vietnam veteran John Kerry?  Gotcha!  You got stuck in that war, and you weren't sneaky enough to steal the election like Dubya was!  Haw haw!

The brief glimpse of Dubya fondling Angela Merkel on camera is just the tip of the iceberg: a hint of the harrassment that happened behind closed doors.

The George W. Bush presidency is a source of too much material to possibly detail here, but you get the point.

In many ways, I expect this to be like a more light-hearted "Caligula" with a happy ending wherein Dubya simply retires to Crawford or wherever.

The Fox News crowd will love seeing their hero tricking those pouty-pants liberals and any other smarty-pants types who got in his way.  People who love to laugh at Dubya will be delighted.  Boom!  Box office gold, baby.