Pretzel

In 2003, my fiancee and I are planning our life together.  We want cats.  We agree to get 2 cats, so the cats will be able to keep each other company.

While honeymooning in Germany, I indulge in a soft pretzel every day; they sell them all over.  Fiancee observes that Pretzel would be a good name for a cat.  I imagined a cat curling its flexible body for a nap--curling up so far that it resembles a classic pretzel shape.

Kittens

After our honeymoon, we visit the shelter and my new wife picks out a shy pair of little black furballs from the same litter.  We open up the cage and they are soon chasing each other around the room.  "These ones look energetic," my wife observes.  They also are clearly compatible with each other, and we take them home.  Inspired by our fairy tale honeymoon in Germany, we name them Hansel and Pretzel.

They soon display distinct personality traits.  Hansel grows up to be a lean and fierce scrapper, whereas Pretzel becomes a chubby affectionate teddy bear.

I have been overweight my entire life.  I see Pretzel's fat physique and I identify with him immediately.  That's my boy.  

Pretzel's extra weight held him back.  He couldn't always jump onto the table; he would often get halfway onto the table, and then he'd slide off the edge.  We soon suspected Pretzel wasn't very smart.  But one day Pretzel decided not to wait for us to feed him; he knew which cabinet held the bag of cat food, so he stood on his hind legs, hung his front paws on the top of the cabinet door, and carefully tip-toed backwards, pulling open the cabinet door.

I went to nerd school when I was a kid.  I immediately recognize Pretzel's intellect.  That's my boy.  

Fine Pair of Cats

Collectively, the pair weighed about 30 lbs.  Their weight and their longhair coat mark them as part Maine Coon.  The fact that black cats are less likely to be adopted than other breeds reassures me that we made the right decision to rescue them, in spite of how noticeable their clumps of black fur look on our beige carpet.

You often hear about aloof cats who look down on you or ignore you.  Not Hansel and Pretzel; every day I would come home and my 2 cats would greet me at the door, friendly and eager for attention.  Every night they would keep our feet warm as we slept.

They would keep us safe, as we discovered when mice found a way into our basement.  One morning I woke to discover a dead mouse presented at my bedroom door.  I was so proud of my little boys!  Breakfast for my valiant defenders became first order of the day.

My wife was distressed when she discovered how our cats would cuddle one moment, then claw and bite each other the next.  I had to explain to my wife (an only child) that siblings naturally fight with each other, and that cats don't play checkers or other peaceful games when they play with each other.

They were both lovable, but Hansel had limits; you could pet him for a while, but when he gave a little squeak, you had to back off or he'd bite you.  In contrast, we called Pretzel the Love Sponge; you could pet him for hours and he'd be eager for more.

We would have guests, and Hansel would defend his territory against intruders, whereas Pretzel would cuddle with new friends.  Entertaining was problematic, but Pretzel was never the problem.

Inspiration

My wife works with developmentally disabled adults; these are people with fully grown adult bodies, but who sometimes have the emotional control of children.  They sometimes lash out physically when they are upset or alarmed.

One evening, my wife came home with gouges on her face.  I was pained and upset to see the love of my life injured in such a way, but I was even more devastated to hear my wife beat herself up over the injury.

"I was STUPID," she scowled.

I made some calls and asked my wife to accompany me to a special place that weekend.  "I think they sell pajamas," I hinted.

My wife was surprised when I brought her into a very friendly Karate studio.

My wife signs up so she can defend herself.  I sign up so that my sedentary lifestyle doesn't kill me.

Four years later, and we are 2 tests from earning our Black Belts.  My wife accepts that she will get hit sometimes in Karate and at work.  We would joke about bringing the cats to Karate class, because they are so good at fighting.

I am almost always the oldest person on the Karate mats, I'm slow, heavy, I can't kick very high, and I don't like hitting people.  Pair me with any teenager with lightning reflexes, and I don't do very well.  To this day, I may have won 2 matches.  I distinguish myself by being hard to hit; I have strong arms and I can deflect many punches and kicks.  That High School kid might win the Karate match, but I want to make him WORK for it.

Aging

Every year I take our cats to our favorite Veterinarian for their shots and an examination.  One year the Veterinarian points out Pretzel's weight: one year, he is a pound lighter; the next year, 2 pounds lighter.  Last year, he was down to 11 pounds.  The Veterinarian asked about Pretzel's behavior.

I reported that Pretzel licked his fur too much--so much that the fur got very short in some areas, almost like a "lion cut" that leaves a cat with a "mane" of fur around his neck and shoulders, but with stubble everywhere else.  I always attributed it to Pretzel's allergies and nervous temperament.  Pretzel always meowed a lot, and we would lovingly call him a cry-baby.

Hyperthyroidism would put Pretzel's body into overdrive; he would burn calories faster, but his organs would wear out faster.  This might explain his nervous temperament and crying.

Tests revealed that Pretzel's thyroid was on the high side of normal; he could not be treated for hyperthyroidism.  The Veterinarian was at a loss to diagnose Pretzel's weight loss.  The tests were expensive and time-consuming, and Pretzel still seemed healthy in spite of the missing pounds.  We planned to address this issue again next year.

In subsequent months, Pretzel would continue to lose weight very gradually, but he was still the sweet, friendly boy he always was.  We would need to get answers at his checkup in the next 2 months.

I tried to combat Pretzel's weight loss with more frequent feedings and more varied (hopefully) desirable food.  I bought fresh shrimp and salmon for a special treat, but neither cat was interested in either of these foods.  We bought soft canned cat food, and Pretzel would always race towards the sound of a fork tapping canned food into his food bowl, but we could never be sure how much Pretzel was eating, and how much he was leaving for Hansel to finish.

On Saturday, February 18th, a financial advisor met with us.  Pretzel was as friendly as always with this stranger.  Pretzel approached, stood, and placed a paw on her arm.

'Hello,' he seemed to ask, 'will you be my friend?'

That's my boy.  I picked up Pretzel and cuddled him for most of the meeting.

Final Hours

Late in the evening of Tuesday, February 21st, my wife noticed that Pretzel had stopped eating.  His nose was warm and dry, he had little energy, his fur looked unkempt, and he retreated from attention.  We didn't know what to do.

Sleep came with difficulty for me that night.

I got Pretzel to our favorite Veterinarian as soon as her office opened the next day: Wednesday, February 22nd, just after 8:00 AM.  Pretzel weighed in at 9 lbs.  I had never seen him so weak, but he still had enough energy to meow the whole way over.  I wanted to tell him that everything would be all right, but I couldn't bear to lie to him.  Tears were running down my face.

The Veterinarian arrived at 9:00 and found Pretzel anemic and dehydrated.  She described his condition as "Critical" and mentioned the possibility of bringing Pretzel to the University Veterinary Medical Center in Saint Paul, but she warned that it would be very expensive.  In the meantime, she brought Pretzel to the lab in the basement.  I was left alone with my thoughts.  What would I give to have my boy back?  How much would it be worth?  How long would I regret not making the extra expense?

I arrived at the University Veterinary Medical Center just after 10:00, and Pretzel was whisked to a treatment room while I signed paperwork and handed over my credit card.

I met with the Doctor.  She would administer oxygen and intravenous fluids.

Intravenous fluids seemed to revive Pretzel a little.  The Doctor described several symptoms that didn't add up to anything that made any sense to me other than Pretzel was near death.  She scheduled an ultrasound examination for 2:00 PM and administered a feeding tube.

By 12:30 that afternoon, Pretzel has stopped breathing on his own.  His pulse is very weak.  The Doctor calls me.  She begins CPR, but she warns me that CPR is more injurious for cats than it is for humans; she explains that CPR is a procedure that cats can survive but typically do not recover from entirely, and that Pretzel's life will likely be greatly diminished even if it succeeds in reviving him.  She asks me for permission to discontinue CPR.  She asks for permission to euthanize him.

I'm in pieces.  I want my happy healthy loving boy back.  I thought Pretzel might be able to climb out of this dark pit he slid into, but now I was forced to acknowledge that he would likely never really escape it.

My voice is breaking as I ask the Doctor to make his transition as painless as possible.  I hear the Doctor notify others in the room.  The Doctor directs me to return to the Hospital to visit with Pretzel's body.  My first thought is that there would be no point: my Pretzel wasn't there any more.  But I decide to go.

I call my wife.  I explain that Pretzel would pass away very soon.  My wife sounds very calm; she is my foundation while I am awash in a maelstrom of tears.

The Doctor brings me to a visiting room, and she brings back Pretzel's body wrapped in a yellow towel.  I pull back the top of the towel.  I expect to see Pretzel in a position of gentle repose, as if he were settled in for a final nap.

Sensitive readers may wish to skip the next paragraph.

Instead, I find Pretzel's face contorted in agony: his mouth is wide open with fangs bared; his eyelids are raised, but his eyeballs are twisted in their sockets, pupils unrecognizable.  I don't need to see the rest of his body.

Pretzel's facial expression looks hideous, but I am certain that Pretzel's soul is no longer in his body.

I ask the Doctor for an autopsy; I desperately need closure and I hope a diagnosis will provide this.

I have been in the Guilt Stage of Grief all day.  The Doctor reassures me that whatever Pretzel's ailment, it could not have been obvious to me.

I carry out the cat-carrier.  I am struck by the fact that I brought it in full, but I bring it out empty.  Does everyone I pass in the corridor understand the implication of this?  I have been weeping since 8 AM; but in the car, I bawl like a baby.  I am 48 years old, and I am a wreck over a cat.  I am somehow able to blink away enough of my tears to drive home.

I ponder Pretzel's final facial expression.  This was not the face of someone who slipped away.  This was the face of someone who fought Death to the very end.  This was the face of someone who made Death WORK to defeat him.

That's my boy.

In Loving Memory

Pretzel Weisman-Markwart

2003/5 - 2017/2/22

Fermenting Sauerkraut

In a previous post, I provided a recipe for preparing a sweet and sour sauerkraut dish suitable for a nice meal.  I like sauerkraut, and I have paid lots of money to get sauerkraut at the grocery store.  My wife was concerned that I was spending TOO MUCH money on organic and fresh sauerkraut.  She suggested I buy cheap cabbage, find a recipe, and try to make it at home.

My first thought was that she had a point--organic sauerkraut on the shelf is pricey, and fresh sauerkraut is shockingly pricey--but making sauerkraut must surely be a massive chore.  I already dread the cooking chores I do now, like when I make pizza sauce; it always seems so thankless to do this all alone in the kitchen after a long day.  But I looked online for instructions on how to ferment sauerkraut, and I became excited by the prospect!  Furthermore, the effort required isn't too onerous, and the return is substantial.  I have fermented several batches of sauerkraut now, I have worked out most of the details, and I want to pass along my accumulated knowledge so that you can ferment your own sauerkraut.

Equipment

I don't mind paying for quality, but I'm big on cheap stuff.  You can find specially-formed sauerkraut stoneware crocks with weighting stones to hold the sauerkraut under the brine, but you can get fine results with good equipment costing a lot less.  Some people will recommend 1-quart glass jars, but I have discovered that one cabbage will yield over a gallon of kraut when chopped, and it is a lot easier to manage one large container (as long as you can still lift it) rather than several small ones.  The popularity of homebrewing is your friend here, because I got most of this stuff at my friendly local homebrewing supply store for less than $30:

2 Gallon Plastic Fermenter with a drilled lid ~$10
This is a food-grade 2-gallon plastic bucket with a handle.  The lid is airtight enough for our needs, with a rubber grommet inside the rim.  There is a hole drilled in the top for an airlock; this hole is also fitted with a rubber grommet which grips the airlock nicely.

S-Bubble Airlock $2
This is a one-piece airlock made of transparent plastic with an S-trap.  You pour liquid in the top to the fill line.  Easy to operate, but not so easy to scrub out, should you ever need to do so.

STAR SAN $10
This is a sanitizing cleaner.  It's a syrupy super-concentrated organic acid; you will dilute about a teaspoon of this per 16 ounces of water, and you will not even need 16 ounces of this cleaner to spray out your equipment.  It tends to generate a lot of foamy bubbles, so STAR SAN enthusiasts encourage you: "don't fear the foam" because it breaks down on contact with oxygen, and any residue should be digestible by microbes during fermentation.  Because it's super-concentrated, a small bottle will last you a long time.

Chemical Resistant Spray Sanitizer Bottle - 16oz $4
Spraying is the easiest way I have found to apply STAR SAN.

Vodka for the airlock
You want liquid filling the airlock's S-trap which will not promote yeast growth, but which will not poison nor add funny flavors to your sauerkraut.  I got cheap 100-proof Vodka from my friendly local liquor store.

Plate for the fermenter
Cabbage is slightly buoyant, and you want to hold the sauerkraut under a layer of brine.  You can find special ceramic "stones" and pretty glass discs for this, but I found a cheap ceramic dinner plate works well enough; just find a circular plate that fits in your fermenter and won't float.  I got mine at Target.

You'll also need knives and a cutting board for cutting cabbage, wooden spoons for stirring kraut, a quart measuring cup for dissolving brine.

Groceries

1 head of cabbage (makes over a gallon of kraut)
There are lots of cabbages you can use for this: red, white, savoy, etc.  Red cabbage will turn the liquid a bright magenta color.  I usually use a regular greenish head of white cabbage from the produce aisle.

Salt (NOT IODIZED)
You can use sea salt, or kosher salt, or even special sauerkraut salt which is finely ground so it dissolves quickly.  Whichever salt you use, this salt MUST NOT be iodized.  I have heard that iodine will turn BLACK during the fermentation process, and I suspect that it's not good to eat.  You will use several tablespoons of salt per head of cabbage, so make sure you have plenty on hand.

Water
Some folks recommend special unchlorinated water.  I just use tap water.

Starter Culture
I definitely recommend a starter culture.  Supposedly you can make sauerkraut without a starter culture; I tried this, but fermentation was SO SLOW and my sauerkraut didn't taste very good; my grocer suggested that the cabbages at the store have been rinsed off a lot, and this may have washed away the naturally-occurring germs needed for fermentation.  You can buy special vegan starter cultures, or you can use cheap yogurt starter culture like I use.  Sauerkraut and yogurt are both referred to as "lacto fermented" foods; they use friendly bacteria which eat carbohydrates and produce lactic acid.  Removing carbohydrates takes away food for bad germs (yeasts and molds are very bad germs for vegetables), and lactic acid slowly poisons bad germs.  A good starter culture helps idiot-proof your operation and almost guarantees good results.  Furthermore, a prepared starter culture typically contains several species of bacteria which operate at different levels of acidity and give a more complex taste to your sauerkraut.

Process

Sanitize

Carefully measure 1 teaspoon of STAR SAN into your 16 ounce spray bottle, and top it off with water.  Shake it gently to make sure the syrupy STAR SAN gets mixed properly.

Spray your sanitizer solution all over your fermenter; 16 ounces should be plenty of sanitizer, so feel free to get it soaking wet.  Make sure you get the inside of the airlock, the nooks and crannies of the lid, the plate (or stones), and so forth.  Obviously make sure there are no chunks of anything or hairs or whatnot inside your fermenter parts.

Let your fermenter drain and dry out for at least 2 minutes.  I try to flip everything upside-down at an angle so air can circulate.  You might want to shake out the S-trap on your airlock to drain any major puddles.

Supposedly STAR SAN breaks down in contact with oxygen, so I assume that any solution left in the spray bottle will soon go bad.  Don't save the leftover solution until you make more sauerkraut next month; use it up cleaning your countertop or shower or something.

Cut Cabbage

Wash your cabbage and throw out any parts that look sketchy.  Store-bought sauerkraut is shredded in fine strands, but yours does not need to be so perfect; you can just chop it to half-inch flakes.  In the center of the cabbage is a solid cone-shaped core; don't chop the core, just toss out the core.  Put your chopped cabbage in the fermenter bucket.  Like I said earlier, a good head of cabbage should give you about a gallon of kraut.

Open a packet of starter culture and sprinkle it on your chopped cabbage.

Sprinkle a tablespoon of salt on your cabbage.

Use a wooden spoon to mix up your cabbage.  Make sure the starter culture and salt are spread around your batch of chopped cabbage.  Feel free to get rough with the cabbage.

Place your plate (or stones) on top of your chopped cabbage.  I put it in face up, to minimize any bubble under the plate.

Add brine

Put a tablespoon of salt into your quart measuring cup, top it off with water, stir it so the salt dissolves, and pour it over your chopped cabbage.  Repeat this with quart after quart of brine until there is an inch of brine covering your chopped cabbage.

Seal it

Put the lid on your fermenter.  Make sure the lid is sealed all the way around.

Before you put the airlock on, pour some vodka in the top of the airlock.  The airlock should have a "fill to" line so you know when to stop.  Now insert the airlock in your pre-drilled lid's rubber grommet hole.

Now put your fermenter in a cool, quiet place for about a month.  Your sauerkraut is now fermenting.  The fermentation might get vigorous and generate gas and foam; this could leak out the top of the fermenter and spill stinky sour liquid on the floor.  If this happens, clean it up.  What I'm saying is: put your fermenter on an easily-cleaned floor in your basement, NOT on top of your mom's beautiful piano.

Mark your calendar for a day 4 weeks later (or longer); this is when you should open your fermenter.  Don't open it early to check on it.

Opening day

I have never had a batch of sauerkraut go truly badly, and the starter culture helps out a LOT, but you might find the following bad things:

• You might find that your fermenter has leaked brine.  Clean it up.  If the brine leaked out the top, then your sauerkraut is fine.
• You might find some wilted pieces of cabbage that weren't underwater.  These pieces went bad; throw them out, and you can still eat the rest of your sauerkraut.
• You might find mold on the top.  You should be able to scrape this mold off and still eat your sauerkraut.
• You might find your sauerkraut has turned black or dark brown.  This suggests that your salt is iodized, but it could be that some other germ has taken over fermentation.  I'm sorry, you should throw out your batch and DON'T EAT IT.  

If you have any other problem, I cannot help you; do not write to me because I am not a diagnostic expert on this.  And if you skipped a step or skimped in someway, I really don't want to hear from you.

Future Work

I can't resist tinkering with recipes, and neither should you.  I have added various other vegetables, herbs, and spices to my sauerkraut with positive results, including:

• Onions
• Garlic
• Dill
• Caraway Seeds
• Carrots
• Ginger
• Chopped chili peppers
• Daikon radish

I must warn you DO NOT add fruit nor sugar before fermentation in order to sweeten your sauerkraut.  Sugars feed yeast and yeast is our ENEMY in lactic acid fermentation.  You can sweeten your sauerkraut when you cook it, but NOT when you ferment it.